I’m sure the mothers out there will understand this post.

I’m hoping they will rally around me and not throw stones.

Today I wished I wasn’t a mother…

This morning I thought, for a brief moment, that I am totally not cut out for this. I love my daughters. I really do. Most of the time they are loving, funny, compassionate, honest and cuddly. Then there are the other times…

The times when they fight. Over everything. The entire time they’re together.

There are the mornings, like today, when Regan refuses to listen to anything I say. She says mean things to Linsey, to me, about school, about her clothes, about breakfast, about EVERYTHING.

Regan is 4…

And she is damn good at it.

Regan is the kind of child that makes me want to pull my hair out and cry all at the same time. She’s the kind of girl who makes me so angry, but I have to turn my head so she doesn’t see me laughing. Regan can infuriate me, frustrate me, break my heart, crack me up, make me smile and fill me with worry all in about two minutes.

I feel bad for her teachers and feel scared for her as she grows up. She has the tendency to turn out to be the girl that all the other girls are friends with because they fear her or they follow around because they want to be her.

Either scenario isn’t exactly ideal, but I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to mother her the way that is best. I want her to continue to be independent and confident, but I don’t want to spend the next 15 years yelling at her to get her to listen.

Oy.

Linsey is 11…

And she’s trying to find herself.

She’s wicked smart, incredibly funny, completely unorganized, uber-talented as a dancer and a singer and the girl can come up with some outstanding one liners and not even realize what makes it so hysterical.

Linsey’s been dealing with the “frenemies” situation for a couple of years and I think (fingers crossed) she’s finally at a point where she’s less concerned with what girl likes her today and more concerned with who her real friends are. She’s realizing that being herself is all that she needs to be and she’s more and more comfortable in her own skin every day.

There are definitely times when I want to grab her, shake her and scream, “I am your mother god damn it!! Do not talk to me like I’m one of your friends.” Instead I just look at her and say, “Linsey, who exactly do you think you’re talking to right now?” After a roll of her eyes she usually figures out pretty quickly that she’s screwed up.

I love my daughters more than I can even put into words. I wouldn’t trade them for any other kids on the planet. I don’t regret for one second having them, but…

There are those moments when they’re fighting over who gets to sit in the red chair and arguing about who gets to use the bathroom first and slamming doors in my face and throwing toys at me and torturing the dog after I’ve said stop 25 times and pulling every single book they own out of the book shelf and screaming that they should be allowed to have an iPod touch – and I want to cry and ask God why he gave me children and scream at Jason because he’s been at school and left me to deal with them all by myself and I’m jealous of my friends who don’t have kids.

That’s when I have to stop, breathe and take them to school.

This is why I don’t think I could be a stay at home mother.

I need a break. I need time with adults. I need them to socialize with other kids. I need to be away for a few hours everyday so that I can reboot, regroup and come back with a better attitude.

The day at work allows me to miss them and then I can pick them up having forgotten all about how much I doubted my abilities only a few hours before. The time at work gives me the opportunity to push past all the thoughts of running away and giving up and come back to my girls and our house and enjoy their company (fights and all) for another evening.

Then we can get our upward dogs on together and feel good about being in each other’s company again.

I guess the point of this post is to say “it’s ok” or “you’re not alone” or “everyone feels this way from time to time” and definitely “keep calm and carry on” because tomorrow is a new day.

Today I’m thankful for:

…my daughters for teaching me humility

…my daughters for teaching me confidence

…my daughters for teaching me strength

…my daughters for teaching me patience

…my husband for teaching me that there isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with a hug

~ Maria