Jason was out finishing up some last minute stuff for the deli and Linsey was at dance all evening so we’ve had nothing but time on our hands.

We enjoyed a lovely walk and snacks at Bread Co…

Then we played in a fountain…

Lastly we had some fun at the park. Check out those dirty feet!!

“There is only one success – to spend your life in your own way.” – Christopher Morley

I believe in the good of people.

I tend to think that things will work out for the best.

I’m generally a happy, cheerful person.

So Friday night, when I went to meet Andy Cohen I was super stoked and overflowing with excitement. I’m a huge fan of Andy’s and he’s a St Louis boy which makes him all the more lovable.

We got there and the crowd was already huge!

Jason took Regan to the kids section of the library so that Linsey and I could hear the interview and focus our attention on Andy. The conversation was great. He was funny, cute, serious and exactly the way he is on television.

He cracked jokes, told serious stories, kept things to himself and talked a lot about growing up in St Louis. He took questions from the audience and answered them honestly with a bit of humor thrown in for good measure. Basically he was everything I thought he would be!

When the question and answer portion of the night was over he went into a different room and we were called in by groups to get our books signed and take photos with him. I was in group 17.

When group 3 was back with Andy my cell phone rang and the caller on the other end had terrible news. Our dear friend, Brian, was calling to tell me that his mother had passed away. Andy was going to have to be met another time. Brian was more important.

Still really wanting to get my book signed I left it in the hands of a stranger that we had struck up a conversation with while waiting for our turn with Andy. I told her the situation, gave her our tickets (we were in a group ahead of her) and pleaded with her to get my book signed for me telling her that I would come to her to retrieve it.

Markitta and I exchanged numbers and then we left to be with Brian.

I held his hand through dinner, hugged him so tight when the night was over and my heart broke for him as we pulled away. Saturday morning Jason drove him to Nashville so he didn’t make the trip alone and then flew home right after.

All the while Jason kept saying, “You’re never going to see that book again. It’s gone.”

“Hush,” I said, “yes I will!”

And then yesterday this text message came across my cell phone…

And this morning who did I see???

It was Markitta!! With my book, signed by none other than THE Andy Cohen.

Everything may not be right with the world, but today I was once again proven right. The kindness of strangers DOES exist. People do still do good things. If you put kindness out, then kindness you shall get back.

My friend’s mother was laid to rest today with ALL five of her sons together.

That makes me happy.

Much happier than an autograph on a book.

So mazel to you, Markitta.

Mazel to you, Andy Cohen.

Mazel to you, dear reader that I do not know.

But most of all mazel to the ENTIRE Bertram family. You guys are so lucky to have each other. I’m proud that I can call (most of) you my friend. And I am honored to call Brian my family because to me – my friends ARE my family.

A good character is the best tombstone.  Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered.  Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.  ~ Charles H. Spurgeon

The past three days have been filled with so many wonderful things and one really terrible thing. All day yesterday while I was enjoying the beautiful weather with Jason and the girls I kept having this guilty feeling come over me. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for being able to be with my family, but the fact that someone I love very much is hurting so badly and isn’t able to spend time with his mother ever again just made me sad. I think I’ve sent him a dozen or so text messages telling him how badly I feel for him and his family, how much I love him and making sure he knows that if there’s anything I can do to just let me know.

I’m probably driving him crazy!

I heard this song the other day and it had me in tears while I was driving to work. So I’m not the only one crying for no reason I’m going to share the lyrics with you along with the pictures of what we did this weekend.

Enjoy…

Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift
Your little hand’s wrapped around my finger
And it’s so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You’re in the car on the way to the movies
And you’re mortified your mom’s dropping you off
At 14 there’s just so much you can’t do
And you can’t wait to move out someday and call your own shots
But don’t make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she’s getting older too
And don’t lose the way that you dance around in your pj’s getting ready for school

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
No one’s ever burned you, nothing’s ever left you scarred
And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother’s favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It’s so much colder that I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I’d never grown up
I wish I’d never grown up

Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
I could still be little
Oh I don’t wanna grow up, wish I’d never grown up
It could still be simple
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
Won’t let nobody hurt you
Won’t let no one break your heart
And even though you want to, please try to never grow up
Oh, don’t you ever grow up
Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

Just try to never grow up…

Me: “Hello..”
Friend: “My brother called. My mom had a heart attack.”
Me: “Oh my god! Is she ok?”
Friend: “quiet mumbles I couldn’t make out”
Me: “Honey I can’t hear you. Are you ok?”
Friend: “No. She didn’t make it.”
Me: “Oh my god… I’m so sorry! We’re on our way.”

Two days before Mother’s Day 2012 one of my most favorite people in the entire world lost his mother. He and his four brothers are spread all over the world and trying very hard to get home to Nashville.

I couldn’t let him make the drive from St Louis to Nashville all alone so this morning Jason woke to his alarm clock at 5:00 and met him so they could go together. Another friend bought Jason a one way plane ticket to make it home by tonight.

My love and thoughts are with the ENTIRE Bertram family as they come to grips with this sudden and very tragic loss.

Why is that funny? You may ask yourself…(go ahead and ask yourself)

Because I don’t really like people paying me much attention. I mean, I want to hear Jason say that he loves me. I love getting hugs from my girls. I love having a good time with my friends and laughing out loud. I can talk until the cows come home (whatever the hell THAT means) but when people start really paying me attention I get uncomfortable.

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I’ll be 33 years old.

And Jason has set me up for the most uncomfortable week of my life. On Sunday he sent out an email to all of the deli customers telling them to “Come in this week and wish Maria a very happy birthday. This year she’ll be turning … years old!”

So everyday this week, every time I answer the phone, every time someone opens the door or leaves the deli or approaches the counter I get wished a happy birthday. And then I smile, get red in the face and feel extremely uncomfortable.

So this is why I find it funny that I write a blog having nothing to do with anything else besides ME.

But I will still be writing (even though some people have criticized) and I’m going to continue to tell you how crazy my life can be (whether certain people like it or not) and I will keep talking about food, diet, exercise, fitness and anything else that comes to mind.

Having said all of that I hope that you guys are planning on sticking around and enjoying the ride. I’m nuts! I bounce from one idea to the next. I have highs and lows. I have peaks and valleys. I love myself one day and beat myself up the next. Today I feel confident that I’m a good mother. Tomorrow may be a different story!

Please pop in from time to time.
Leave comments so I know who you are.
And continue to ride down the road of health, happiness and life with me.

I don’t promise to be perfect. I don’t promise to have all the answers. I don’t promise to agree with 32 year old Maria when I turn 33, but I do promise to be me, my most authentic self and to be honest – brutally honest – every single day.

Love,

32 Year Old Maria

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  ~ Samuel Ullman

I had limited time with Linsey since she (at 11 years old) has a busier social calendar than I do with dance, workshops, birthday parties and study groups. So I took full advantage of having her home Friday night (and that was seriously it!).

My friend, Britt, and her husband, Fritz, were attending his 25 year reunion so we watched their son, Alex, while they were out partying it up. A good time was had by all…no matter WHAT Alex may have told his mother later.

Jason and I ventured out into the land of the living with THREE kids in tow. While it was definitely fun and entertaining – it sealed the deal that we DO NOT want more kids. We love our girls, but two is plenty! I give major props to those of you out there who have more. I bow down to you…

To kill some time and find some creative outlet for the kiddos we hit up Blicks, an art supply store, and the kids ran wild! I have to admit that I was in arts and crafts heaven. I love markers, crayons, pastels, paints, modeling clay, and photography stuff. I’m sort of infatuated with the idea of being an artist, but have no true artistic ability.

Saturday morning we took the girls to dance and when Regan’s class was over Linsey went on to take part in a five hour dance workshop! While she was busy shakin her groove thang – we took Regan to a birthday party 40 miles outside of St Louis! It was a long drive, but the party was so worth it. Regan and her friends all had a great time going on a tractor ride, playing games, eating cupcakes and running around like wild animals.

Later that night Jason, Regan and I went to Britt and Fritz’s house (Fritz was in Washington DC by that point) and we hung out with Britt and Alex eating Chinese food and getting our drink on (well – Britt and I did) while Jason pointed and laughed at us.

We admired the moon all night long, but I totally forgot to take a picture of it!!

Sunday morning Regan woke up at 7:30 to tell us that she missed Linsey and wanted to eat a cinnamon roll for breakfast. So we took off walking back down to the loop to have breakfast at Bread Co. Once we got their she was all smiles.

Over the course of the day I got in a great 5 mile workout by walking back and forth to Bread Co TWICE!!

I met some of my favorite ladies for a book club meeting where we discussed the ins and outs of Mansfield Park.

I cannot tell you how great it was to just hang out with my family, not have somewhere to constantly be or work to be done or an alarm clock waking us up. We did do some work around the house, but overall it was all fun, fun, fun!

Sunday nights are always so sad though because you know that you’re getting ready to succumb to the five day work week that’s right around the corner. To make it not so sad the girls climbed into our bed and we all hung out in there until one by one we fell asleep.

Good times!

This morning, because of a middle of the night thunderstorm that brought Regan back into our bed around 2:00, I was pretty tired. I accidentally turned my alarm clock off before I was totally awake and the next thing I knew Jason was shaking my leg at 6:40 telling me that I “might need to get up now” and so there went my morning workout.

Coffee made me feel a bit better…

Once I got over my bummedness (yes it’s a word that I made up!) of missing my Monday morning P90X session I convinced myself to get up, take a shower and move on with the day. It wasn’t easy. I felt like something was a bit off all day, but I managed to eat pretty clean regardless.

Snacks…

— edamame crackers
— apricot fruit bar
— pineapple upside down cupcake top

Meals…

— overnight oats with a banana & crunchy peanut butter
— veggie sandwich on sourdough with avocado and gouda cheese
— black bean chili with shredded cheddar

Before I pat myself on the back too much I did sneak in a chocolate chip cookie after dinner that I totally didn’t need and really feel sick from. Not sick from the guilt of eating it (although I probably wouldn’t have eaten it if I had waited a few more minutes) but actually sick to my stomach because I’m so full now.

Oh well. Tomorrow’s a new day and another chance to make better choices. My DVD player, alarm and weights are all set up and waiting for me.

Catch on the flip side..

A sad soul can kill you quicker than a germ.  ~ John Steinbeck

I have those days all the time.

I’m generally a happy person, but have moments when I feel like I could be doing so much more with my life. I feel like I gave up on reaching my full potential years ago and now that I’m 32 years old it’s too late.

I have little goals that I strive to meet every single day.

Workout at least 45 minutes 5 days a week?
Check!

Love my body (and myself) a little more everyday?
Check…

Only consume one cup of coffee on most days?
Check – begrudgingly.

Try to fuel my body with healthy, nutritious food 75% of the time?
Check.

Enjoy the other 25% without feeling guilty about it?
Still working on that part.

Enjoy family time with minimal interruptions?
We’re working on it…

At times, though, I still feel as if something is missing. Something is unfinished. Something is untried. Something is…something. I can’t explain it. I just know I feel it. Inside. Outside. In the morning. In the afternoon. In the night when I’m laying down to fall asleep. Something is askew.

What is it you may ask?

While I haven’t figured it out completely I have figured out part of it. I’ve known about it for quite sometime, but don’t know what to do about it or if I can do anything about it. Only time will tell, but for now all I can say is this is exactly what I needed to read…

The World Won’t Celebrate You If You Don’t Celebrate Yourself!!

I don’t know how she did it, but Mara had to have known that I needed to read that today. I mean I really needed to read it.

Often times I allow myself to be knocked down by what I think other people think about me. Or what I think about myself when I really start thinking.

You didn’t graduate college.

You didn’t follow your passions when you had the opportunity.

Now you’re just a mom.

You’re too chicken shit to go after what you want.

How can you teach your daughters to have self confidence when you have none yourself?

Well guess what…

I can always go back and finish college.

I still have passion and drive and can still go after it.

I’m a damn good mother.

I may be a chicken shit, but who gives a shit! I’ve got fight inside of me.

My daughters are learning things everyday from me and I’m learning things everyday from them. Together we will figure out this thing called life. I can teach them so much based on the mistakes I’ve made and the things I’ve learned along the way.

I’m still learning, but I’ll get there – wherever “there” may be…

Where are you trying to go? What are you trying to do?
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail???

I think that we went from winter straight to spring in the last 12 hours because when I woke up this morning (at 5:15) it was fairly chilly outside and now it’s almost 85 degrees. I got up and got dressed for my workout and was shivering until I got moving. Jason even wore two shirts during his run!

Then, by 6:30, it was thundering, lightening and pouring down rain. Jason just barely made it in from his run before the downpour began.

I managed to finish my entire P90X CardioX workout (all 45 minutes of it) before Regan woke up. I even made myself a cup of coffee before she got out of bed!

Getting Regan up and moving this morning was a little harder than normal because the thunderstorm had her all freaked out. She doesn’t handle thunder well, the lightening makes her cry and then having it pour down rain as they were trying to leave just made it all the more complicated.

Eventually Jason got her out the door and drop off wasn’t as dramatic as I had expected.

Linsey and I had a lovely breakfast of waffles, black cherry chobani and banana slices. It is quickly becoming my favorite week day breakfast.

Jason needed me to run some errands for him before I came into work so once I got Linsey dropped off I set out to get everything done. It was fun going in late because everything was already done. SCORE! When I got there I found Jason like this…

He had spent his morning making two batches of homemade mac n cheese to go along with his lunch special of sloppy joe’s. The mac n cheese was truly fantastic. I had a bite…or two.

Before the crazies showed up I scarfed down a snack…

I have days where I jive with the customers really well and other days when people really get on my nerves. Thankfully today was one of the days where we were all jiving just fine. We stayed busy, no one had to wait, there weren’t any complaints and we got to sit down and eat  lunch right at 2:00.

That’s what you call a good day!

On my plate today was a huge handful of spring mix, chopped tomatoes, diced red onions, cucumber slices, chopped banana peppers,a handful of croutons, a morningstar farms california burger and a drizzle of honey mustard. YUM!

While sitting down to a super yummy lunch there was lots of conversation about dates…the blind kind. See I have this friend, Brian, I’m sure you’ve seen him on here before. He’s been single for as long as I’ve known him (in fact almost ALL the guys around me are single!) and I’m a romantic at heart. I want people in love. I want people matched up. I want couples to go out with when we have a baby sitter. I have an illness!

Anyway, my friend Hannah and I got to chatting on twitter one day about setting people up on blind dates. Well – we’re trying it! My friend Brian and her friend Jen.

Brian was asking me where he should take her, what kind of restaurant, blah blah blah… I’ve never been on a blind date, but I told him that a fancy restaurant was out and a super casual restaurant was out. No restaurants where you order at a counter and no restaurants with white table cloths. Something middle of the road where you feel relaxed and comfortable not rigid and nervous.

Fingers crossed…

After lunch I also had two handfuls of these chocolate covered sunflower seeds from my foodie penpal. HOLY MOLY! These are addictive…

After I picked up the girls from school and we got home Linsey did her homework while Regan and I did some laundry. The girls were super stoked that they got some of Dad’s “famous mac n cheese” for dinner and a Maria’s Deli chocolate chip cookie for desert.

Then Jason got home, changed clothes, had me make him a smoothie and took Linsey to dance class. She was a little hesitant to go back for some reason tonight. I guess it’s really just going to take her sometime to adjust to the reality of the situation. Poor kid…

I have had my heart set on a smoothie for dinner all day. As soon as Jason said he was sending home mac n cheese for the girls I knew that a smoothie was in order for me. So I got busy.

In the mix tonight:

• 2 handfuls fresh spinach
• 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk
• 1 scoop creamy peanut butter
• 1 frozen banana; sliced

While I’ve been chugging down my creamy, green goodness Regan has been a busy bee. She’s made me a beautiful piece of art.

And carried on HILARIOUS conversation with her plants.

After a bath and pajamas we plan on spending the rest of the evening (until the other two get home) doing this – and nothing more.

Before I leave you to enjoy the rest of your evening I have to tell you about my newest favorite blog. I have been reading it for a while now, but this last post pushed me over the edge with laughter and I just had to tell you guys about it. It’s called My Husband Is Annoying and I love it oh so much! Check it out and tell me what you think.

“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

It was definitely rough. There were a lot of tears, a lot of hugs, a lot of smiles, a lot of flowers, a lot of memories, a lot of stories and a whole lot of (for me) alcohol. Linsey made it through the funeral and the memorial service like a trooper. She doesn’t do well with showing emotions in front of people, but was able to drop a flower at the grave site with the rest of the girls.

The memorial service was a way for everyone to finally let it all out and tell stories, laugh, cry and be around other people who understood what they were going through. By the end of the evening everyone was smiling, laughing and remembering the good times with Michael. The kids ALL took advantage of the situation and used it to let loose in the empty dance studio. They drug out every single prop they could find and went C-R-A-Z-Y. It was so fun to watch!

I really hope now that he has been laid to rest and the girls have said there good-byes everyone can begin the healing process. It will definitely take the girls some time to move on, but with the support of each other they will make it through.

Foodie Penpal
A week or so ago I came home to a box sitting in front of my door.

I love it when that happens!

This month my foodie penpal was Jessica from Jessica is Baking and let me tell you that girlfriend HOOKED. ME. UP. The goodie box was filled with amazing things from Trader Joe’s!! I have to admit that NONE of the items in the box are left…we ate them all. Everything was oh so good!

If you want to see what I sent to MY foodie penpal than pop over to Casey’s blog and check it out.

If you want to be a part of the awesomeness that IS the foodie penpal program here’s what you need to know… Lindsay at The Lean Green Bean is the mastermind behind the entire operation!

-On the 5th of the month, you will receive your penpal pairing via email. It will be your responsibility to contact your penpal and get their mailing address and any other information you might need like allergies or dietary restrictions.

-You will have until the 15th of the month to put your box of goodies in the mail. On the last day of the month, you will post about the goodies you received from your penpal!

-The boxes are to be filled with fun foodie things, local food items or even homemade treats! The spending limit is $15. The box must also include something written. This can be anything from a note explaining what’s in the box, to a fun recipe…use your imagination!

-You are responsible for figuring out the best way to ship your items depending on their size and how fragile they are. (Don’t forget about flat rate boxes!)

-Foodie Penpals is open to blog readers as well as bloggers. If you’re a reader and you get paired with a blogger, you can choose to write a short guest post for your penpal to post on their blog about what you received. If two readers are paired together, neither needs to worry about writing a post for that month.

- Foodie Penpals is open to US, Canadian residents & UK residents.  Please note, Canadian Residents will be paired with other Canadians only. We’ve determined things might get too slow and backed up if we’re trying to send foods through customs across the border from US to Canada and vice versa. So, I’m going to keep two separate lists and match US w/ US and Canada w/ Canada!

***If you’re in Europe, please contact Carol Anne from This Is Rock Salt at rocksalt@thisisrocksalt.com to get involved!

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” –  Harriet Tubman

He hasn’t missed a class in the 4+ years that she has been studying under him.

Tonight made the sad illusion a painful reality.
He really is gone.
And eventually there will be a permanent replacement standing where he always stood.

Nicknames will be memories…
Catch phrases will disappear…
Peppermints after class will be replaced with a new tradition…

Her life, their life, as dancers will forever be altered, but it will be good again.

It has to be…
That’s what Michael would have wanted…
That and nothing else…

“Please send me your last pair of shoes, worn out with dancing as you mentioned in your letter, So that I might have something to press against my heart.” – John Wolfgang van Goethe