stuck
Most of my adult life (and every single day of my teen years) I’ve felt stuck. My brain has told me over and over that I can’t do this or would suck at that. I would never be as fit as I wanted to be or healthy as I should be or happy just being me. My brain likes to fuck with me as often as possible.
The past year I’ve been really trying to look inside myself, ignore the rhetoric inside my head and figure out who I am, what makes me tick, what drives me every single day, what is it that I’m passionate about. I figure that at 33 years old I should have somewhat of an idea about those things — a half ass one at least.
I’ve been trying to dig deep inside myself and figure out what I want the next steps of my life to be. What do I want to do with my life? Where do I see myself in five years? Who do I want to be when I grow up? That sort of thing.
So far I’ve figured out a few things about myself with all my soul searching…
- I absolutely despise the cold weather
- I feel better after I work out in the morning
- I have far less patience than I should with most people
- I hide my dislike for myself behind a big smile and witty banter
- I would die for my daughters
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve stepped on a scale or wrapped a tape measure around my thighs or counted how many calories I ingested in a day, but still the tapes play in my head over and over…
Still that voice tells me all the time “you’re not good enough” or “you’ll never make it” and I just keep listening, wondering, doubting…
I’ve always been too afraid to go after the things I wanted because I was always afraid of failing, of not being good enough, of embarrassing myself…
Sure I talk a good game when discussing the future with Linsey because I swear to God she won’t make the same mistakes I did. She won’t tie herself to a certain type of life because she’s too afraid of failing at the one thing she really wants. I won’t have Regan be too afraid to play soccer with the other kids because she’s afraid they’ll make fun of her for not knowing how to play. I will do everything in my power to make sure both of my girls know how beautiful they are inside and out; that looks and beauty are fleeting, but who they are on the inside never goes away. The person that they truly are inside is far more important than the person that they look like outside. I will kill myself making sure that my girls know they’re special and smart and beautiful and amazing and capable. I’ll die before they give up on their dreams…
I may be 33 years old.
I may not have gone after my dream at 18 years old.
I may not ever get the chance to go after it again.
My new dream is making sure that my daughter’s dreams come true…
I am here to tell you….45 is better than 18. And its NEVER TO LATE.
Never….?
I loved this, Maria. Very much. You put words to some things I’ve been feeling for a while. Sometimes I beat myself up for not having it figured out, but life and happiness are journeys, not destinations. I have to remind myself of that often.
Thank you so much Jeff. I really have found that over the years of raising children I have sort of forgotten who I am, what I want and where I’m going. I hope to someday figure it all out, but for the here and now I know that making sure the girls can figure out who they are and what they want is the most important thing.